www.trailerparkromance.com

There are far too many e-Harmony banner ads out there.

I've been contemplating a second business; once I hire the spokesmodels -- one guy, one girl, and a baby pot-bellied pig -- I've got it set. I've got the start-up capital, the will, the drive, and I've got the vision.

It's called "www.trailerparkromance.com" -- the world's first online dating site for up-and-coming mobile non-professionals.

Think about it...your cousin Elmer from Frail Bones, Texas, with the buck tooth and the cleft pallete, his trailer a mess and his mystical worship of well water might find a place next to Sheila of Rat's Nest, Iowa, with her hairy breasts, her brown/red/blonde/blue hair shining in the moonlight through the hole in her roof and her ankles ("cankles") quivering as she moves slowly from the fridge to the couch to the bathroom and back to the couch yet again.

Since the site is designed for people who live in trailers, there is no "option" for whether a member is interested in relocating; it's phrased a bit differently. The question is, rather, whether said member is able (or rather, if his/her mobile home is indeed mobile and actually road-worthy).

Instead of those silly criteria (height, weight, activity level), there would be a variety of useful info, such as: Number of Teeth, Drink of Choice, Welfare (Y/N), and a variety of lifestyle choices, including some gender-specific ones, like "Favorite Snack" (with radio buttons indicating yes/no to Pork Rinds, Cheez Doodles, Nose Goblins and Other); "Jerry Springer" (two choices: been on the show, seen it in person); gender-specific questions include, for men, "Showering" (three choices: weekly, monthly, in the summer); "Fashion" (guinea T, shirtless, mesh cut-off shirt); "Underwear" (marble-bag, none, when clean). Women's questions include "Shave vs. Wax" (Boobs Shave, Boobs Wax, Who Can Afford Candles?), "High Heels" (With Socks, Without Socks, Only for Horizontal Use), "How Many Kids in Prison" (One, Two, Three, All), and all respondents are asked about their personal enjoyment of life, eg "Drug of Choice" (Nyquil, Marijawanna, Vicks, Crazy Glue, Elmer's), "Favorite Beer" (Natural Light, Milwaukee's Best, Homemade) and "Favorite Sexual Position" (Inside, Outside, On Top of the Trailer).

I did some preliminary research and response to my concept was very favorable, except most of those I surveyed didn't know what the Internet was. But that's but a small obstacle to greatness.

Once I get a model or two to pose for the pictures, I'll arrange for special on-site demonstrations. I just need to scope out a few Fayva shoestores that are near bus stops and below the Mason-Dixon Line. If you have any ideas, e-mail me. For any ideas I use on the site, I'll be sure to express my thanks with food stamps and Nascar-themed prepaid phone cards.

One more thing: for the first ten people who sign up and have a working computer in their trailer, we'll offer gift certificates for a free Mini Winnie bag of Frozen Tater Tots. Remember: as it says on each and every bag -- oven not included.

Thanks for your time, and good luck in the land of RV Romance!

And don't steal my idea or I'll put a cherry-bomb in your septic tank.