Coming Soon To A TV Near You

The Family Channel, NBC, ABC, ESPN and Robin Byrd have teamed up to bring you a new Near-Reality Ten-Part TV feature for the whole family (providing Junior's gone to bed and gramma's drool is obscuring her vision), new to the Tuesday night line-up on NBC: It's "Jeff Garcia's Bitches!"

The first episode, entitled, "The Off-Season," centers on Jeff Garcia (Carson Kressley) being harassed by his evil ex-girlfriend, Kristen Hine (Bea Arthur), while he dates the luscious Playboy Playmate of the Year, Carmela DeCesare (played by herself). Mayhem ensues when it is revealed that Jeff has a secret: he likes men rather than women. When Carmela demands he perform in bed, laughter aplenty abounds when he is forced to fantasize about his handsome neighbor, Ned McSprightly (Kyan Douglas) and his accountant (Albert Brooks) playing Baci, naked, in his living room. Despite secretly knowing he's a homosexual, and loving every minute of it (especially in the locker room -- hiss), Jeff agrees to be her bitch and play along, noting during the coital act that the curtains in the living room really do need the quick pick-me-up that only a curtain rod and some dusters from Pottery Barn can provide.

In the meantime, Kristen, on the suggestion of her new man, Richard Simmons (Burt Reynolds), gets a pet ferret and, in the process of lining the ferret's bed with newspaper, the pair stumble across the newspaper article about how Carmela and Jeff are a hot item, so Kristen decides to exact her revenge by sneaking into Jeff's apartment and cutting small holes in each pair of his thong underwear, but she is thwarted by the overwhelming scent of pot pourri inserts in each of his dresser drawers. Richard stands guard outside the apartment entrance and begins to cry spontaneously before Kristen can accomplish her goal and they make a hasty retreat so she can get Richard back to his apartment for a green tea bath and some exfoliant wrap.

Cut to the final scene of the first episode, which shows a latex-wearing Carmela telling Jeff to get on the floor, naked, shouting "buns up n' kneeling, piggie!" and Jeff hits the deck, snorting like Arnold from Green Acres.

The show will certainly turn some heads, but all in all it ought to be a fantastic debut and something which cannot be missed.