Stepping Stones: Time for (Yawn) Fun

In 1996, an anthology of Warren Zevon's music was released entitled "I'll Sleep When I'm Dead." The irony of that title, of course, is that Zevon passed away in 2003, very soon after the release of his final studio album, "The Wind." Since then, each time I look a gift horse in the mouth, I think again and go in another direction.

So rather than let on how drained I am, between the ridiculous work hours, the horrific commute and the weather in general, I'll just smile and go in another direction. And try to keep my eyes open long enough to finish this post.

Tonight's a mini-party for a friend's birthday downtown that I set up, and it's at a restaurant called Zoe (http://www.zoerestaurant.com/) -- a very hip, cutting-edge-sorta establishment that I'd been wanting to hit for awhile. When I originally set up the party, I was expecting my other half in town, so the party would have been a nice way to celebrate with friends, despite the weather, and spend time with my other half simultaneously. 'Twas not to be, unfortunately, as our work schedules and our combined lack of sleep were too difficult to overcome. So while I'm still looking forward to the party, I'm barely conscious and not very excited about hitting the 12-degree NYC air. Once we get to the restaurant I am hoping a Belvedere martini -- or a Taser -- will keep me a bit more alert. I'm betting on the latter.

Tomorrow I have work and a family visit on the agenda; I've also got lots of in-apartment work to get done, as well as some PC maintenance/upgrades, laundry, and some friends to see. Sunday's supposed to be another day of sub-temps and ice in all its guises, so I'll be staring down a pile of files, the keyboard, Excel spreadsheets and expense schedules. And trying to keep focus on the fact that the one thing I want -- my girlfriend here with me -- isn't happening quite yet.

Coming from where I've been, and going out tonight with -- among others -- a friend who also was in a lousy relationship for far too long, it irritates me that I wasted as much time as I did. The tenets of a relationship -- a real relationship based on truth, honesty, love, caring and friendship -- include wanting to be with your significant other. In hindsight, which is clearly 20/20, I'm still not sure what I was thinking. I've never been attracted to monotonous, incomplete, disengenuous, dysfunctional people; I've always been interested in people that have something to say; a reason for existence; people who stand for something. It's like choosing elevator music over Led Zeppelin at the LA Forum in 1975 or 1977, or the Fillmore West in San Fran in 1969. Spending time the way I had for the better part of three years, I see now, was me coasting -- wasting time -- not really knowing what was missing, but knowing, in the back of my head, lots -- everything -- was wrong.

Which brings me to today, and tonight...it hit me that I really feel a bit out of place knowing m'lady's in San Fran and not here with me, laughing and smiling and distracting me in such a distinctive, productive way :-) And as I realize how much I'm missing her, I can't fail to note the contrast in the dread I felt each time I had to board a train to see my ex -- someone, in hindsight, for whom I really didn't care. Seeing someone out of obligation, pity or requirement versus wanting to spend all your days and nights with someone...the contrast is striking. I'm just glad I am where I am, and knowing I'll be seeing her soon is almost good enough; knowing those two-ish years are in the past and all the freakish misery is there too with them is a relief I can't really put into words. Except I know now the main thing, which is: simply put -- all is right.

So I am off to shower and head downtown and try not to contract hypothermia or a social disease from a long cab-ride. Having someone in my life for whom I crave, and missing her terribly, is something new for me; not having her here to keep me smiling and on my toes is a disappointment, but I'm still warm knowing she and I will be together soon, and counting the days until then.