Sunday, August 10, 2008

The Uncanny Genius of "All In"

If you've seen the 2006 movie "All In," no doubt you will likely confirm my observations as listed below.

First, the cast is impressive: it includes Dominique Swain (as Ace -- LOL), Michael Madsen and Louis Gossett Jr. (in a rare non-Iron Eagle-sequel role).

Second, the movie, released in 2006, managed to seize on the notoriety of the poker craze that seems to occupy the nation these days. Turn on one of the fifty ESPN channels or FoxSports -- or even NBC -- late at night (after 1AM) and there is poker on TV.

Third, the movie incorporates the "Gen X" demographic much more efficiently than did other similar movies like "21," "Rounders" or "Lucky You."

And finally, the movie was atrociously awful.

There should be some sort of device attached to cable boxes that will spit out a $20 each time a shitty movie is broadcast and watched for its entirety. Or, if this wasn't feasible, perhaps cable companies broadcasting this type of dreck could simply tag these types of shitty movies with a "Ball-Kick" logo during the opening credits. Then, you as the viewer could simply press a button on your remote, and a representative from the cable company -- likely a large guy wearing steel-toed boots -- would come by your house or apartment and kick you in the balls, thus saving you 1:45 or so without your losing the same sensation as if you sat through the entire film.

Or, conversely, you could just check these pages prior to watching a movie you suspect will be shitty. However, unfortunately, when reading the members of this film's cast -- like Gene Hackman and Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio in the 1991 film "Class Action" -- it's not always easy to determine the well-cast yet nonetheless incredibly awful films from the run-of-the-mill time-wasting films like Lindsey Lohan's "I Know Who Killed Me."

So the next time you opt to pick up the remote and fire up your home theater, remember: caveat emptor.

And look for that "Ball-Kick" logo coming to a cable company near you.

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