More Paper, More Evidence, More Fun

What could be better than lots of pressure, lots of work, lots of paperwork to review and working 'til you fall asleep at your desk? If you said doing all that plus fighting 10-degree weather and an oncoming cold, you win a door prize. Although if you wanted a door, chances are you'd have visited www.homedepot.com or www.weselldoorsandstuff.com. Or www.amazon.com -- they have everything.

Today I was at a client's office waiting to review some papers with her, and the TV in the reception area was showing CNN. They were broadcasting live video of Michael Jackson arriving for his trial, and -- I think -- the commencement of jury selection. I'm not sure why this shocks me, but I don't understand why CNN, or anyone else, is broadcasting this crap. On top of that, I don't quite understand why anyone really wants to even see any of it -- much like the trials of OJ Simpson and Scott Peterson, I don't really get the fascination, especially considering that so many people made a point of watching the entire thing -- either/or or both -- and yet find a way to bitch unmercifully when they get that little card in the mail advising them they've been selected for jury duty. Granted, most of us will probably wind up serving on a jury hearing the case of of some semi-manic guy who stole two packs of Wrigleys, a box of condoms and an In Style magazine by stuffing said items up his ass -- far from the gravitational pull of a Neverland Molestation case -- but is there really that much of a difference?

It shocks me that we as a culture are still enthralled and entranced by celebrity to the degree we are. Robert Blake, aka Beretta, is on trial for shooting his wife after he tried -- unsuccessfully -- to hire a hitman or two to do the job. Michael Jackson is on trial for god only knows what, although I'm sure molestation and being a serious pervert are definitely on that menu. And then there's the ever-popular stories of athletes -- Michael Irvin spending some quality time with a mound of cocaine and several hookers, Ray Lewis being acquitted of being involved in a murder a few years ago, hockey player Mike Danton conspiring to have his agent killed, Jamal Lewis going to jail for his part in a coke deal gone wrong...it just never ends. People in the limelight, thankfully, do stupid things and, more often than not, someone catches it and turns up the heat. And lest we forget the freakshow that is Leona Helmsley.

So why is the Michael Jackson saga so highly covered by the media? Obviously they think it's significant news. Yet today being the second anniversary of the death of the seven astronauts in the shuttle Columbia got thirty seconds, and the he-she sort-of-human rape shield law in leather pants got over five minutes. It's astounding. The nicest part is they always manage to show video of Michael flashing the 'peace' sign to the crowd; that always makes me laugh. His handlers must have a set strategy.

"Okay, now, Mike, they have video of you taking Little Billy's little willy out on camera, but if you just flash a peace sign to all seven of your remaining fans, maybe the court of public opinion will think you're a decent guy, despite your proclivity to be with small white boys and paying millions of dollars for the privilege. So make sure you flash that damn peace sign every time you get out of the SUV before going into the Court. And for god's sake, don't offer to kiss any babies."

We all know he's guilty, and all you need to do is review his albums for evidentiary support thereof. Some of his early songs are questionable: "In Our Small Way," "We've Got A Good Thing Going (so don't tell your parents)," "You Can Cry On My Shoulder (and then take off your clothes)" and his long-time hit, "Ben" (which was originally entitled "Ben Dover" but they changed it to be on the safe side).

The real sickness came out in 1979, when he recorded "Off The Wall." Some of the titles of those songs are very telling: "Don't Stop 'Til You Get Enough," "Get On the Floor" and "I Can't Help It" would worry me if I were his lead defense counsel. Then, in 1982, Thriller came out, and the inner perv did as well: "P.Y.T. (Pretty Young Thing)" and the damning "Beat It" just add to the unfortunate debacle.

But 1987's "Bad" really hits home. Aside from the title track, he showed his true inner self with "The Way You Make Me Feel (When We Sleep in the Same Bunk)," "Just Good Friends (That's What You Tell Your Parents)," "(Touch) Another Part Of Me," "I Just Can't Stop Loving You," "Smooth Criminal" and finally, his ode to the US Judiciary, "Leave Me Alone."

In 1991, Jackson released "Dangerous," which featured more disturbing songs, including "(Tastes Like) Jam," "In The Closet," "Give In To Me" and "Gone Too Soon." Had parents known this was the man conducting sleep-overs, I think they would have thought twice prior to dropping their kids off.

There are a variety of other indications that something is not quite right in Neverland -- Mr. Jackson's constantly-evolving facial features, his pale-white, mime-esque skin tone, or perhaps his "someone's squeezing my testicles with a fishing wrench" voice -- but sure enough, the most damning evidence is his own catalog of music which plainly predicts his disturbing extra-curricular activities.

I will note this now: it is possible -- a long-shot, perhaps, but possible nonetheless -- that Michael Jackson, Martha Stewart and Jamal Lewis could all be in prison at the same time. And that could make one hell of a reality show. I think I'd call it "The Surreal Life Part II: 3-5 With Time Served." America would eat it up.

But I wouldn't watch it.