Thursday, May 07, 2009

Got a Limp Dick? Don't Call Jim Moran

In some part, I can't argue with Virginia Lawmaker Jim Moran's suggestion that ads selling Erectile Dysfunction be banned from TV. After all, between Viagra and Cialis, my TV (and my junk folder) are relatively clogged up (although most of my junk folder is dedicated to penis enlargement, not functionality). I'm happy to state that -- to date -- I haven't found a need for either of these products (thanks to my significant other and, in the case of past "acquaintances," thanks to Cinemax) but even if I did have a use for these drugs, I wouldn't be wearing a "I'm a Viagra user and I'm happy" badge. And I sure as shit wouldn't be running around singing the "Viva Viagra" song, especially wearing a pair of Bermuda shorts and cavorting with a bunch of guys. I'd no sooner be caught wearing a shirt that says "For me, having sex is like shooting pool with a rope." In other words, if you're a loser, it's already implied; there's no need to fill a prescription or wear a shirt (or a pair of lame shorts) confirming what's already obvious.

Personally, I think the only person in the world qualified to sell Viagra, Cialis or any other wonder-schlong drug is Hugh Hefner. After all, in a relatively subtle way (ha!), Hugh's third leg has probably seen the inside of more kitty than a 100-year-old hospital's maternity ward.

Back to the ads: they are sort of irritating -- what's worse than the implied imagery of older people fucking? Seeing them breakdance naked is a close second, but doesn't quite reach the heights of the former choice. With respect to similarly irritating, obnoxious ads are falling behind the Viagra campaign. It's gotten to the point that "Mom, do you ever know...not so fresh?" is a distant, forgotten memory and these "ED" ads are now the new bane of the existence of parental watchdogs and people who don't want to hurl whilst eating a late dinner.

But to be perfectly honest, I also think that the reason why Jim Moran wants these ads blocked is because he doesn't want to be reminded that his wife secretly refers to him as Ol' Limpdick.

Your guess is as good as mine, as I don't expect Ol' Limpdick to call me back anytime soon. He's too busy watching reruns of "Sanford and Son."


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