Epic Futility Fail, Part 37 (aka Ex Parte Milligan)

I don't know if I'm getting older, maturing (got my pubes last month, thanQ very much!) or if I just regard my time as non waste-worthy.

This is something that has two simultaneous, effective uses, and yet -- it's about as ridiculously dumb an idea as I've come across since I talked Pauly Shore and Carrot-Top out of joining Yahoo Serious in the Shakespeare Dinner Theater production of The Tempest in Templeton, Wisconsin (the Meatloaf Shack, behind the Crab-Boil and Bowl-Til-Dawn Lanes).

These are laser-"engraved" business cards made out -- yes -- beef jerky.

Now, before I roll out a 24-case of whoop-ass cans and pop a few tabs, we all -- theoretically -- agree that business cards do serve a purpose. If you're one of the seventeen people with a home of some sort (not made of cardboard, natch) and you don't happen to have a cellphone, it's nice to be able to take a person's business card so you can a) contact him later, b) check out his company and consider doing business with him, or c) take his card and have it analyzed at a local lab for DNA evidence in the murder of your Great Aunt Gertrude by some traveling salesman who vanished in the still of the night back in Tennessee in August, 1982.

But I digress.

Everyone -- except for a bunch of people -- eat meat.

I suppose it would make lots of sense if the manufacturers of Meatcards could make zucchini jerky and laser-etch that too. And while we're on the subject, I could use some hamachi jerky.

And if they can do it, chicken jerky might be an option. And why stop at protein? Why not see about gummi-bear jerky or, for that festive feel, a peppermint candy-cane jerky? Why not make Rudolph into jerky? Nothing says the holidays like that bright, flashing nose and the taste of reindeer cooked and air-dried over a bunsen burner's flame.

Seems to me that the only real use for these things -- save really astute, knowing planning in advance of the arrival of the Four Horsemen of The Apocalypse -- would be for butchers and grocery stores to pass them out, especially as advertisements for specialty meat purveyors and suppliers.

But overall, I believe that anyone handing me one of these Meatcards would probably have me hand it back and tell them to have something more closely resembling their personality monogrammed.

Which begs the question, can douchebags be laser-etched?

There's much more stupid shit to come.