George Carlin in 3:14 from The Tonight Show

George Carlin from The Tonight Show (Video)

Be warned: while this is yet another incredible, mind-blowing monologue from the man who constantly reinvents himself, this might give you a bit of a headache if you try to absorb it in one sitting. -B-

I'm a modern man, a man for the millenium, digital and smoke-free. A diversified multicultural post-modern deconstructionist, politically, anatomically and ecologically incorrect. I've been up-linked and downloaded, I've been inputted and outsourced, I know the upside of downsizing, I know the downside of upgrading. I'm a hi-tech lowlife, a cutting-edge, state-of-the-art bi-coastal multitasker and I can give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond.

I'm new-wave but I'm old-school and my inner child is outward bound. I'm a hot-wired heat-seeking warm-hearted cool customer, voice-activated and biodegradable. I interface with my database my database is in cyberspace so I'm interactive I'm hyperactive and from time to time I'm radioactive.

Behind the eight ball, ahead of the curve, ridin' the wave, dodging the bullet, pushin' the envelope. I'm on point, on task, on message and off drugs. I got no need for coke and speed, I got no urge to binge and purge, I'm in the moment, on the edge, over the top but under the radar. A high-concept, low-profile medium-range ballistic missionary. A street-wise smartbomb. A top-gun bottom-feeder. I wear power ties, I tell power lies, I take power naps, I run victory laps.

I'm a totally on-going bigfoot slam-dunk rainmaker with a proactive outreach. A raging workaholic...a working rage-aholic. Out of rehab and in denial.

I've got a personal trainer, a personal shopper, a personal assistant and a personal agenda. You can't shut me up and you can't dumb me down 'cause I'm tireless and I'm wireless, I'm an alpha-male on beta-blockers. I'm a non-believer and an overachiever, laid back but fashion forward. Up front, down home, low-rent, high-maintenance. Super-sized, long-lasting, high-definition, fast-acting, oven ready and built to last.

I'm a hands-on footloose knee-jerk headcase. Prematurely post-traumatic and I have a love-child who sends me hate-mail.

But I'm feeling, I'm caring, I'm healing, I'm sharing, a supportive, bonding, nurturing, primary care-giver. My output is down but my income's up, I take a short position on the long bond and my revenue stream has its own cash flow. I read junk mail I eat junk food I buy junk bonds I watch trash sports.

I'm gender-specific, capital-intensive, user-friendly and lactose-intolerant. I like rough sex I like tough love; I use the f-word in my e-mail and the software on my hard drive is hardcore, no soft porn.

I bought a microwave at a mini-mall, I bought a minivan at a mega-store. I eat fast food in the slow lane; I'm toll-free, bite-sized, ready-to-wear and I come in all sizes. A fully-equipped, factory-authorized hospital-tested clinically-proven and scientifically-formulated medical miracle.

I've been pre-washed, pre-cooked, pre-heated, pre-screened, pre-approved, pre-packaged, post-dated, freeze-dried, double-wrapped, vaccuum-packed and I have an unlimited broadband capacity.

I'm a rude dude but I'm the real deal. Lean and mean, cocked and locked and ready to rock. Rough, tough and hard to bluff. I take it slow, I go with the flow, I ride with the tide, I got glide in my stride. Drivin' and movin', sailin' and spinnin', jivin' and groovin', wailin' and winnin'. I don't snooze so I don't lose. I keep the pedal to the metal and the rubber on the road; I party hardy, and lunchtime is crunch-time. I'm hangin' in, there ain't no doubt, and I'm hangin' tough, over and out.