The Man & The Woman*

*Today's my birthday so I can get away with this...


Understanding What Women Say

Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure, go ahead = I don't want you to go
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron
You're so manly = You need to shave and you sweat a lot
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something today that will piss you off
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
Are you listening to me? = [Too late, you're dead]

* * *

Understanding What Men Say

I'm hungry = I'm hungry
I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy
I'm tired = I'm tired
Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Can I take you to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Nice dress! = Nice cleavage!
You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you
What's wrong? = What stupid self-inflicted psychological trauma is it now?
I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?
I love you = Let's have sex now
I love you, too = OK, I said it. Now can we have sex?
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = I liked it better before
Let's talk = I'll impress you by showing you I'm a deep guy, then maybe sex?
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with others.
I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together = I'm gay