Thinking Approaching New Year's

Hedley Lamarr said "Be still, Taggart, my mind is aglow with transient nodes of thought."

Taggart responded, "Gee Mr. Lamarr...you use your tongue purtier than a twenty dollar whore."

Blazing Saddles has a way of clarifying things in a most unique manner.

As we approach the end of 2004, a very tumultuous, awful, unhappy, busy, crazy, bizarre, insane, difficult, arduous year, I can look back and see a variety of things for which I'm glad I've experienced, completed, dismissed, added, addressed or witnessed. And while most people use the impending new year to offer resolutions, I've reached several conclusions of my own with which to proceed in the coming year and years.

I've experienced some major heartache and anxiety over my father's condition; he's on his way back to being himself, sounding like himself, and smiling (and making those around him smile) like he has in the past. So I'm thankful, relieved, elated, giddy, happy and humbled that he's where he is, with us, and almost at 100%. Losing someone who means so much to you is scary; nearly losing someone who means so much to you is a different barrage of feelings, because on top of the fear and the sadness, you have to mix in relief, happiness and the concept that one day there will be no reprieve. Thank god there was a reprieve this time.

The "disengagement" was a difficult but eye-opening experience. Aside from the fact that my actions allowed my ex's disturbed family to adversely affect my father's health and my family's as well, I must admit that I learned first-hand that I am lucky I come from a healthy, happy, loving family that treats its members with unconditional love, respect, caring and trust. And while those 24 or so months were as miserable as it gets (and hopefully will ever get) for me, going through that misery and unhappiness very ably showed me what I want in a partner and what I want in life and, more importantly, what I don't want. I also realized I grew up a lot this past year, especially because what could -- and should -- have been anger towards that collection of freaks became and will always remain pity. The only anger, if at all, that remains is mine at myself over how I let them spread their cancer to my family and me. As Billy Joel once wrote, "Your mistakes are the only things you can truly call your own." And I'm determined, and relieved, that I won't make the same mistake twice.

In addition to the low points of the past year, I found out, on many levels, by who was there and who wasn't, who really cared about me. In some ways, I was disappointed, but in my disappointment I realized I'd made the right decision regarding the disengagement. And I was pleasantly surprised by just how many people care about me and my family. It's beyond my capability to put into words how my friends and family were there for me and for us, and how that affected me then and how it continues to affect me to this day. It certainly does put things into perspective, on a number of levels, but most importantly it reminds me that life is precious and shouldn't be wasted on worthless, angry, dysfunctional people.

I am a strong proponent of the concept that everything happens for a reason. If nothing else, through this past year and its multiple difficulties and ordeals, I found my other half, someone who fits me and makes me happy and who I fit and who I make happy. The distinction of note is between wanting to be with someone and not being able to be without someone; and looking towards the future, it's clear to me that where I once thought I had found the "right" person, I am ashamed to admit that I was as so thoroughly mistaken as I was. And as ridiculous as it sounds, I might not have realized just how lucky I am to be where I am and with whom if not for the past. So to Kaia, for understanding without explanation, listening without words, and sharing without taking, mere thanks in words and action aren't sufficient to express my gratitude. I might one day be able to express my thanks, but it will likely take me many years to do so, so please continue to be patient and in my life. And I hope this coming year, as all those that follow, will find us happy, smiling and sharing life in a way that makes our friends blush :-)

To my friends who have lived this ordeal with me, from around the corner to across the country to across the world, I truly wish for you and your families a coming year of happiness, health, prosperity, growth, smiles and only good things. I hope to spend time with each of you over the coming year and to let you know that your caring, thoughtfulness and compassion over the past months has been appreciated in ways you can't imagine. It's a debt I doubt I will ever be fully able to repay, and for that I am truly grateful.

Though I've been reticent to celebrate much of anything these days, I mostly celebrate the end of 2004, the coming of another year, and the love and support I've received and hope to share. I'll be taking the next week to reflect about things herein and will continue to do so through 2005, hopefully a bit happier, a bit more relieved, and looking forward to smiling again. In either case, I thank you again and wish you, your families and friends nothing but good things today and from this day forth.

Thank you.