Signs of a New Tomorrow

They say the true test of a culture is how it treats its imprisoned. In an effort to stick up for modern America, I must admit I believe that assertion to be bullshit. If, in a thousand years from now, people were to read stories about Riker's Island (or simply watch an episode or three of Law & Order), we wouldn't be very highly judged. Rather, I suggest a culture should be judged on the signs by which is goes about advertising and marketing itself within the confines of the culture itself.

Imagine, billboards being the harbinger of our destiny. These giant roadside advertisements hawking everything from the WonderBra to Jesus's Church of Automotive Needs to a new film's release starring Burt Reynolds, Chevy Chase, Loni Anderson and Herve Villechaize could be earmarked for their "cultural significance." We could dispense with common decency laws, ie public displays of nudity and obscenity, in favor of a more pertinent standard: what does this advertisement say about us culturally?

Well, if magazine stands in New York are to be part of the discussion, then we as a society are indeed a High Society that enjoys Black Tail, Bigg Juggs, Inches, People and Sports Illustrated. Obscenity and/or decency laws in places like Buster Brown, Mississippi, are very different from those in midtown Manhattan, which is perfectly understandable: remember that people in Buster Brown don't realize exactly how much practice, skill and patience it takes to use a banana as anything other than as a food item for oral consumption, whereas New Yorkers, for a small fee, can get lessons in how the banana can be used as a sort-of homemade projectile. And for a nominally additional fee, said New Yorkers can observe a demonstration of said skill.

What I find most interesting, however, in my walking travels around New York, is the variation and creativity which advertisements atop taxis have shown. In the past, the triangular, lit boxes that festooned cabs in and around the City merely advertised a taxi company itself; these days, however, said ads are sophisticated, selling everything from ESPN scores and updates (with scrolling LED displays) to bathroom tissue ("Try Charmin, it's the squeeziest") to entire states. Yesterday I actually spied the most unique ad I'd ever seen: "Come to Texas, enjoy the weather" (with the sub-slogan below: "Voted Best Business Climate"). Another ad proclaimed "Montana. Because you deserve it." Deserve what? What did I do to deserve that? I think I would have remembered, or at least been admonished by a police officer, if not locked up overnight, for doing whatever it is that got me into this deserving state relating to Montana. And is it for life, like herpes, or is it a 3-5 situation with the option for early parole?

If we endeavored to use advertising to tell it like it is, rather than how it "should" be, ads could really spice up the every-day. We could see highly entertaining concepts immortalized in brightly-lit colors selling everything from "Cock-fighting...all the cool chicks are doing it," to "Hair Regrowth Solution No. 7 -- unless you never want to get laid again without paying for it," to a special kind of topless bar called "Santa's North Pole Hideaway -- don't tell Mrs. Claus." Now, we merely get a hint of things to come when we see taxi-top ads for topless bars like Flashdancers, Private Eyes and Scores which depict comely women from the shoulders up, which, to me, seems sort of nonsensical, as this part of a woman's anatomy is the least significant portion thereof to the average strip club customer. Frankly, I believe an educated consumer should be something for which society should strive, so I think a full-motion monitor displaying these various establishments' employees near the entrance to said establishment should be implemented. This way, we could cut out the middle-man and decide whether or not we should enter the establishment in the first place. It would save all of us a lot of time, aggravation and wasteful spending. And that is something we, as a society, should strive.

Some of these suggestions might be a bit too advanced for modern America to fully accept, I understand that. But I think that these could be valuable, notable improvements to our cultural landscape. As it stands now, the only real excitement one can anticipate in New York in public is watching a homeless guy urinate on the sidewalk (or defecate, if it's a slow 'spare change' collection day). So if we were able and willing to redefine our roles as keepers of the culture, and were able to serve up some new, fresh, creative concepts, our time spent on this planet -- and as New Yorkers, at the very least -- could and would be more valuably served. And, if nothing else, we could insure our legacy to those who will follow in our footsteps will not be laden with violence, war, tears and strife, but large breasts, lapdances and dwarf-tossing. I think, in the grand scheme of things, it's at least worth consideration.

It's either that -- or it's "Montana. Because you deserve it."

You be the judge.