Ruminations and Machinations

Today I hit Jersey to spend time with my grandmother prior to her trip home, as well as to hang with my parents and my sister and her boyfriend, who scored me an HoB sticker and guitar pick (HoB being the House of Blues -- the original, in Chicago). One of these days, when I have some time, I'll start up an HoB photo album and start including more goodies -- like the aforementioned HoB sticker -- somewhere on the site so the names, locations and sexual positions mentioned herein have visual as well as linguistic value. Don't hold your breath, but mark my words -- one day it indeed will happen.

The short version is the visit was great: it lasted only about five or six hours, but we had a nice time. The weather cooperated -- it was in the 60's and mostly sunny in NYC and NJ so being outside was a pleasure rather than an impossibility -- and we enjoyed marking the end of Passover by snarfing bagels, lox, egg/tuna/whitefish salads, a variety of veggie salads and an ancillary dose of some other Jewish-inspired brunch fare. The only real downer of the day was another Yankee loss, which inspired another e-mail from my other half's father, who is slowly but surely getting the hang of electronic communication. He even mentioned a related article from today's New York Times, and one of these days I'm going to teach him how to link to a site in an e-mail. Sure, it's strictly newbie stuff for most of us now, but everybody had to learn how to navigate the web at some point, so I'm sure by the time I've completed his tutelage, he'll be surfing Japanese porn sites with remarkable aplomb.

Seriously, he and I have been lamenting the Yankees' awful performances, concurring that they seemingly get older and older with each passing game/loss, and theorizing how to improve the team. Being that he attended Yankee Fantasy Camp awhile back, he suggested that George Steinbrenner sign him to a deal to play second base -- his argument that he would be cheaper, already has his own uniform and would strike out as efficiently as Jason Giambi, in my opinion, has more than merely passing merit. Unfortunately, George hasn't returned his calls. So we shall see.

Speaking of links, a friend scored me a link for a site called "Needies." The site, as you'll discover if/when visiting that link, sells electronically-equipped stuffed animals that sense when you hug or otherwise pay attention to them, as well as when you show similar affection to their fellow Needies, and speaks up if you're not showing him/her enough affection. In other words, modern technology has invented a stuffed animal that gets jealous of other stuffed animals. I'm not really sure if I am repulsed by this invention or if I want to go out and buy four or five of the little fuckers, but one thing's for sure, I was howling as I perused the site. Their tagline touts them as follows: "Needies are interactive plush dolls inspired by codependent, high-maintenance relationships." And we all know someone who fits that description. So if you decide you want to buy a Needie, make sure you buy more than one for the co-dependant, needy, clingy one in your life.

Speaking of cool gadgets, I heard about a device that is designed to help curb snoring. Since I am a card-carrying member of the Snorers Club, I took a gander at the item, which is called "The Snore Stopper." As described, this is an electronic bracelet which, upon sensing the wearer's snoring, provides a mild electric shock, which, presumably, inhibits the snoring. Most of these anti-snoring products, however, aside from a doctor-prescribed CPAP machine, don't do anything but separate people and their money, a la snake oil. In either case, I took a look at the page and immediately sensed a breakthrough about to occur. Sadly, however, when I wrote an e-mail to the company asking if the model in the picture accompanies the product, I was advised that she doesn't. Alas, looks like I'll be snoring until further notice. But, happily, I did sense an interesting possibility: a sado-masochist wearing the bracelet could have his/her snoring domanitrix keep that bracelet going all night long. And for people who sleep late, instead of having a loud alarm clock to wake up everyone in the house/apartment, the bracelet could be equipped with or hooked up to an alarm clock so it could be used as a wake-up device as well.

I really do think I'm onto something here. I just haven't figured out how to make it safe for people with waterbeds.

In the meantime, there's not much newsworthy stuff going on; that Jennifer-What's-Her-Name is back in Atlanta with her family, her quasi-fiance and a big trunk full of issues, and North Korea test-fired a nuclear missile. Kooky. In more important news, the movie version of The Hitchiker's Guide To The Galaxy, written by the late Douglas Adams, finally hit the big screen this weekend. It earned something like $21 million, ahead of The Interpreter (a cool-looking action-thriller with Sean Penn and Nicole Kidman), which earned about $14 million, and XXX: State of The Union (starring Ice Cube), which earned about $13 million. The reason why I mention these three films is because the first two are movies I'd like to see -- a rarity, incidentally, when two films I would like to see are concurrently playing in theaters -- and the third movie looks even more horrible than the original XXX, which was one of the biggest pieces of dogshit ever committed to film. To expound, I think Vin Diesel makes The Rock look like Sir Laurence Olivier. And that first XXX was so bad I can't believe it was a live-action piece and not claymation.

And it made $13 million.

Somewhere, P.T. Barnum is counting ticket stubs, smoking a cigar and laughing his ass off.