Thursday, January 12, 2006

Maybe It's Me, But...

The last few weeks have flown by.

That's not necessarily a good thing, nor is it a bad thing. It just sort

Since Kaia arrived on the 29th, there's been no shortage of laughs and fun between us; this trip, for us both, has been a lot less flash and a lot more substance. That's not to say that our prior visits haven't been meaningful, or that we haven't spent quality time together. It's just that this visit has been a lot more real.

There have been external pressures, starting with her job/deadline(s) and my job deadline(s); both of which are always present to some degree, yet this time, both amped up the pressure and they collided at high pitch. We each had major projects that required intense focus and follow-up, and it's not easy to perform at that kind of level in a sustained fashion, especially when you're concentrating on your other half and less on your own needs. So each of us trying to get our workstuff finished and simultaneously trying to be there for each other was difficult. Not bad, not unsuccessful; but difficult for sure.

On top of the work situations, there is the medical situation regarding my mom's recuperation from surgery and my grandmother's pending relocation. They're both doing very well and heading in the right direction; however, dealing with that stress of worrying and being there for my family pulled me in that direction as well. I wasn't worried about Kaia feeling neglected or left out; I made sure I didn't neglect her or leave her out. It's just that there was a lot happening, and rather than opt out, she opted in, so she was privy to all the fun I've been handling over the past few months.

As exciting and enthralling as that may sound, it's certainly far from us enjoying the bottle of Clicquot that still resides in my fridge. Basically speaking, rather than doing a lot of dining out, fun and memorable stuff, we did a lot of quiet, together time and spent a lot of time discussing and mapping out our future. Almost all of what we want in life coincides, so it's just a matter of timing, geography and direction. And since we agree on almost everything, it wasn't hard figuring out exactly when, where and how we'll move forward.

I think the most interesting thing about the past few weeks is how we handled -- together -- everything that came our way. Usually our time together feels mostly like vacation. That is not so much a result of life stopping around us, but since we -- both as individuals and as a couple -- handle most everything we face we a large measure of aplomb, we can pretty much juggle everything happening around us without it affecting us too much once we close the door and turn off the lights.

However, this trip saw a lot of oppressive work requirements for both of us, and with everything else we were dealing with, it was not easy. And yet, having her here, made it easier. Rather than me having to worry about keeping her happy amidst the chaos and the pressure I have been facing, she made it easier and not harder. It makes me wonder where I was before she and I met: the last woman I dated was so depressing and so unhappy in general that being around her was mentally exhausting; with Kaia, even the shitty days have been great.

Tomorrow she is returning to Cali, and that, in part, is what fueled this mini-retrospective of her visit here. But as much this trip was a bit different from those in the past, I found this one immensely gratifying and very reassuring. The last few weeks have been, for each of us, very authentic in our lives. And rather than it being difficult to be around one another, I found solace in knowing she was there for me and me for her when the day was long. Instead of us needing to be in opposite ends of my apartment -- or in the City -- while the shit was hitting the fan, we wound up finding in each other the most reliable place to set down and wait for the craziness to pass. And that makes me happier than any night out or dinner with friends ever could.

I think the only negative aspect of the past few weeks and this visit, if at all, is that she's going to be leaving soon. But I think we've both realized it's just a matter of time before this situation reaches some sort of stasis, and we can fight bureaucracy, bills, alternating schedules, laundry and cable repair appointments together. I will happily experience the mundane, random, boring tasks of everyday life with her knowing she'll be there every morning when I wake up. Put another way, waking up this Saturday morning, even if I have amazing, wonderful, great plans, won't quite be the same knowing she's not with me.

If it means being with the right person in the right situation at the right time, however, I'll happily endure the waiting.

Well, maybe not happily.

1 comment:

LisaBinDaCity said...

I'm glad thatyour time together was special for you both...