My fiancée and I met in May, 2002, and as our relationship grew, we naturally met one another’s parents, and while her mom and I enjoy a good relationship, her father treats me like he does everyone else – he doesn’t make eye contact, rarely shakes my hand or acknowledges me. I got over his behavior quickly, because my fiancée explained that he has some serious issues and I came to realize this is normal for him, not just in connection with her former boyfriends, etc.
Subsequently, as she and I grew closer, it became increasingly apparent that her parents are very traditional and are extremely controlling (coupled with both of them not working) and try to dictate everything in both of their daughters’ lives. Both their daughters are intelligent, driven, motivated young women, yet each has gone through classic signs of parental over-control: eating disorders, addictive personalities, and confidence/drive tinged with excessive insecurity. Where my fiancee (the older daughter) has largely remained close-ish to her parents, her sister has moved away from them (recently from NYC to Maryland) and basically doesn't hide the fact she wants little or nothing to do with them. I did some poking around and the info I found at http://www.controllingparents.com/ is eerily accurate and describes that household to the letter. Read at your own risk.
When my fiancee's parents eventually sat me down and “interviewed” me (more like interrogated me), I politely deflected some of their questions relating to money and debt, because I felt (without saying in so many words) that it was none of their business. I have little debt (less than $5,000) and have been completely honest with my fiancée about same, but don’t feel it’s any of their business. In addition, they criticized my career (I work with my father and sister) – instead of seeing that as job security and the future (one day my sister and I will inherit the business), they saw this as a negative (ie a small company versus a large corporation). When I proposed and she accepted, her parents (her mother, at least) was very supportive and excited. That’s when the fun started.
Her parents (either out of ignorance or in an attempt to destroy the relationship) let my parents know, in front of us, that they hoped my parents would contribute financially to the wedding. Eventually, my parents let them know they would like to pay for the flowers and would make the rehearsal dinner and would give my fiancee and I a big gift ($$$) to pay for the honeymoon and to have a good chunk with which to start our life together. Instead of appreciation, their offer was met with a scoff and a complete lack of appreciation. Thereafter, all planning by her parents has been laced with dollar amounts for everything from the amount per person to music to flowers to the photographers. The sole time I went with my fiancée and her parents to look at some places for the wedding, it became so acrimonious her father and mother were screaming at each other (not an unusual occurrence, incidentally) in the car and the father got out and walked a mile down the road. Thankfully, we haven’t been out to look at places since.
At this point, her father alternates between offering to spend $20,000 on our wedding (with the caveat of only allowing my family four guests, including my sister, my parents and I), and telling her he won’t spend anything at all and won’t walk her down the aisle. The problem (if there is only one) is this: she is so tied into her parents’ methods of control, she continues to go back for more. She has told them on occasion that if they don’t want to pay for the wedding that the two of us would go away and get married privately, which (at this point) would be acceptable; but one way or another, they manage to rope her back into this back-and-forth and it’s making her, and me, miserable. In short, is there anything I can or should do short of asking her for my ring and wishing her lots of luck in the future? I care for her and don’t want to lose her, but each time she asks me if I’ll be okay with getting married privately (ie on a cruise), I let her know that the wedding isn’t the problem: eventually we’ll come back and her parents will spend their lives making us miserable and/or trying to drive a wedge between us.
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