At some point over the last few days I was multi-tasking my way around The Casa de Boogie when I got a phone call from a friend. I dialed it down for a few minutes to focus on the conversation and happened to notice the Food Network was on. The particular show was "Semi-Homemade with Sandra Lee" and it, generally speaking, features a host (Sandra Lee) who gives tips on how to cut prep time for semi-homemade fare (hence the title). Personally, I'm not a fan of this show because Ms. Lee is not a chef nor is she a cook; she essentially takes ingredients like frozen orange juice concentrate, pre-cooked rice, pre-packaged mixes and instant mixes (jello, pudding, etc.) and incorporates her own spin to create a "semi-homemade" dish or three.
Personally, I think the show's a joke; what makes it even moreso is that it's on the Food Network and not on something akin to Fine Living or, even more appropriately, the Home Shopping Network.
But neither here nor there. The point of the tale is that as I watched I saw her pour pre-bought lemon juice out of a bottle -- in her own "studio" kitchen -- rather than cut a lemon in half and squeeze that bad boy into her Frankenstein-esque concoction.
I don't purport to be Thomas Keller or Danielle Bouloud, so if I appear to be a food snob, that's not quite accurate. I like and appreciate high-end cuisine, but it's not just about foie gras and "Coke The Van" (thank you Aaron McCargo, Jr.). Plain, simple fare is more than adequate, and there have been plenty of times Kaia and I have kicked back with roast chicken and some steamed veggies and baked potatoes and it's better than some meals we've had in quasi-pricey restaurants.
The point is: if your gig is cooking on TV and you're trying to impart some measure of "home-y-ness" to your creations, using lemon juice out of a plastic lemon is not the way to go. In fact, as soon as I saw her do that I actually thought to myself "Why am I watching this dimwit?" There are some things one can do to speed up or help with home cooking; but some of the biggest no-no's are using garlic from a jar as opposed to fresh (if the garlic smell on your hands is your excuse, get a stainless steel fork or spoon after cutting the garlic and rub it all over your hands while under lukewarm water -- the smell will disappear) and squeezing a plastic bottle to get lemon juice rather than cutting a fresh lemon. If your lemon excuse is to avoid getting seeds in your mixture, then fer chrissakes use two hands and squeeze with one and let the juice drip into the other. The seeds will fall into your free hand and the juice will find its way into your dish.
I'll admit there are very few friends of mine whose refrigerators don't have a jar of garlic or a lemon bottle. The reality is that life -- phone calls, appointments, working out, etc. -- get in the way and it's not always easy to get to the store and get every single item necessary to whip up a five-star managerie from a decently-stocked pantry. So I can forgive John Doe and Jane Doe for going the quick'n'easy route. However, a TV "host" whose sole job it is to be prepared and set the bar for his/her viewers should know better. Even Rachel Ray, whose mouth is constantly moving as much as her dishes are speeding along in the 30 Minute Meals thing, always uses fresh ingredients, and I've actually seen her whip up a Thanksgiving dinner (albeit with some 'adjustments') in an hour. So the whole "shortcut" thing doesn't mean you need to buy, prepare and/or ingest crap out of a bottle or a wrapper.
In actuality, part -- if not all -- of the reason we, as viewers, watch the Food Network in the first place is because we're interested and care about what we consume. Seems to me that cutting corners in such blatant, basic ways contradicts the point of the network in the first place.
However, inasmuch as I am taking Sandra Lee to task here, she's more about cocktails and tablecloths than she is good food. I get it -- her standards are lower than many of her viewers. What bothers me is the shitbirds behind the cameras deeming these low-end shortcuts to be acceptable. There's nothing wrong with finding ways to speed up your food prep time, but if you're okay with chemicals and other crap out of bottles rather than the actual foods themselves, why not just call for a pizza and put out linen napkins instead of paper ones?
As I've mentioned before in these pages, Anthony Bourdain once described the Food Network as "striving for mediocrity."
Absolutely god-damn right.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Sunday, August 10, 2008
The Uncanny Genius of "All In"
If you've seen the 2006 movie "All In," no doubt you will likely confirm my observations as listed below.
First, the cast is impressive: it includes Dominique Swain (as Ace -- LOL), Michael Madsen and Louis Gossett Jr. (in a rare non-Iron Eagle-sequel role).
Second, the movie, released in 2006, managed to seize on the notoriety of the poker craze that seems to occupy the nation these days. Turn on one of the fifty ESPN channels or FoxSports -- or even NBC -- late at night (after 1AM) and there is poker on TV.
Third, the movie incorporates the "Gen X" demographic much more efficiently than did other similar movies like "21," "Rounders" or "Lucky You."
And finally, the movie was atrociously awful.
There should be some sort of device attached to cable boxes that will spit out a $20 each time a shitty movie is broadcast and watched for its entirety. Or, if this wasn't feasible, perhaps cable companies broadcasting this type of dreck could simply tag these types of shitty movies with a "Ball-Kick" logo during the opening credits. Then, you as the viewer could simply press a button on your remote, and a representative from the cable company -- likely a large guy wearing steel-toed boots -- would come by your house or apartment and kick you in the balls, thus saving you 1:45 or so without your losing the same sensation as if you sat through the entire film.
Or, conversely, you could just check these pages prior to watching a movie you suspect will be shitty. However, unfortunately, when reading the members of this film's cast -- like Gene Hackman and Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio in the 1991 film "Class Action" -- it's not always easy to determine the well-cast yet nonetheless incredibly awful films from the run-of-the-mill time-wasting films like Lindsey Lohan's "I Know Who Killed Me."
So the next time you opt to pick up the remote and fire up your home theater, remember: caveat emptor.
And look for that "Ball-Kick" logo coming to a cable company near you.
First, the cast is impressive: it includes Dominique Swain (as Ace -- LOL), Michael Madsen and Louis Gossett Jr. (in a rare non-Iron Eagle-sequel role).
Second, the movie, released in 2006, managed to seize on the notoriety of the poker craze that seems to occupy the nation these days. Turn on one of the fifty ESPN channels or FoxSports -- or even NBC -- late at night (after 1AM) and there is poker on TV.
Third, the movie incorporates the "Gen X" demographic much more efficiently than did other similar movies like "21," "Rounders" or "Lucky You."
And finally, the movie was atrociously awful.
There should be some sort of device attached to cable boxes that will spit out a $20 each time a shitty movie is broadcast and watched for its entirety. Or, if this wasn't feasible, perhaps cable companies broadcasting this type of dreck could simply tag these types of shitty movies with a "Ball-Kick" logo during the opening credits. Then, you as the viewer could simply press a button on your remote, and a representative from the cable company -- likely a large guy wearing steel-toed boots -- would come by your house or apartment and kick you in the balls, thus saving you 1:45 or so without your losing the same sensation as if you sat through the entire film.
Or, conversely, you could just check these pages prior to watching a movie you suspect will be shitty. However, unfortunately, when reading the members of this film's cast -- like Gene Hackman and Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio in the 1991 film "Class Action" -- it's not always easy to determine the well-cast yet nonetheless incredibly awful films from the run-of-the-mill time-wasting films like Lindsey Lohan's "I Know Who Killed Me."
So the next time you opt to pick up the remote and fire up your home theater, remember: caveat emptor.
And look for that "Ball-Kick" logo coming to a cable company near you.
Saturday, August 09, 2008
RIP Bernie Mac 1957-2008
While I don't typically embrace the purpose of these pages for celebrity obituaries, the news that Bernie Mac has died bothers me a lot.
If you head on over to his IMDB page, you can get a listing of his work. Most people reading this will likely remember his involvement in the "Oceans 11" franchise, and many will have some sort of familiarity with The Bernie Mac Show. However, I became most familiar with and impressed by his work in the Billy Bob Thornton film "Bad Santa." For those who haven't seen it but may consider doing so, it's a dark comedy surrounding the commercialization of Christmas (not to mention the pathos of small-time crooks and parents too busy to pay attention to their kids).
The reason why I mention Bad Santa, despite the fact that it's among the lesser-known of his projects, was because I found Bad Santa to be one of the best dark comedies I've ever seen -- not in small part due to a great performance by the late John Ritter. If you haven't seen the film, get/rent a copy on DVD and be ready to laugh.
Aside from the fact that he was only 50, his death from complications from pneumonia comes as a bit of a shock. As of this past Thursday, I'd read something where the pneumonia was receding and he was relatively stable. Part of the problem was that he suffered from a lung disease called sarcoidosis, so when I came across a report indicating he was doing better I didn't expect I'd be reading or writing about his passing, but, alas, nothing ever goes as planned.
Rest in peace, Bernie.
If you head on over to his IMDB page, you can get a listing of his work. Most people reading this will likely remember his involvement in the "Oceans 11" franchise, and many will have some sort of familiarity with The Bernie Mac Show. However, I became most familiar with and impressed by his work in the Billy Bob Thornton film "Bad Santa." For those who haven't seen it but may consider doing so, it's a dark comedy surrounding the commercialization of Christmas (not to mention the pathos of small-time crooks and parents too busy to pay attention to their kids).
The reason why I mention Bad Santa, despite the fact that it's among the lesser-known of his projects, was because I found Bad Santa to be one of the best dark comedies I've ever seen -- not in small part due to a great performance by the late John Ritter. If you haven't seen the film, get/rent a copy on DVD and be ready to laugh.
Aside from the fact that he was only 50, his death from complications from pneumonia comes as a bit of a shock. As of this past Thursday, I'd read something where the pneumonia was receding and he was relatively stable. Part of the problem was that he suffered from a lung disease called sarcoidosis, so when I came across a report indicating he was doing better I didn't expect I'd be reading or writing about his passing, but, alas, nothing ever goes as planned.
Rest in peace, Bernie.
Friday, August 08, 2008
The Four Horseman Are Nigh...
Anyone who disputes the statement that we Americans are an ingenious bunch need look no further than this story for clarification that we, indeed, are clever and intelligent people.
If, for some reason, you missed the above link or simply cannot bear the thought of focusing on a site other than this one, the link refers to the arrest of one Daniel Allen Everett, a Michigan man who, apparently, arranged to meet who he thought was a 14-year-old girl. Apparently, instead, the authorities set up the meeting with him and arrested this asshole. He later plead guilty to child sexual abuse and using the Internet to attempt child sexual abuse.
The capper -- the thing that makes this story even more unique than the hundreds and thousands of similar stories that are reported annually -- is that this creative shitbird was arrested, at the time and place of the theoretical meeting with the 14-year-old, wearing a "World's Greatest Dad" t-shirt.
The authorities have not yet determined whether this shitbird has children.
How creative.
I'm hoping his cellmate(s) are equally, if not more, creative, and have sexually-transmitted diseases that have yet to be identified or cured.
I also hope he lasts long enough in prison to pray for death.
If, for some reason, you missed the above link or simply cannot bear the thought of focusing on a site other than this one, the link refers to the arrest of one Daniel Allen Everett, a Michigan man who, apparently, arranged to meet who he thought was a 14-year-old girl. Apparently, instead, the authorities set up the meeting with him and arrested this asshole. He later plead guilty to child sexual abuse and using the Internet to attempt child sexual abuse.The capper -- the thing that makes this story even more unique than the hundreds and thousands of similar stories that are reported annually -- is that this creative shitbird was arrested, at the time and place of the theoretical meeting with the 14-year-old, wearing a "World's Greatest Dad" t-shirt.
The authorities have not yet determined whether this shitbird has children.
How creative.
I'm hoping his cellmate(s) are equally, if not more, creative, and have sexually-transmitted diseases that have yet to be identified or cured.
I also hope he lasts long enough in prison to pray for death.
Wednesday, August 06, 2008
The Story That Won't Die, and the Network That Might
Now that The Next Food Network Star Finale is almost two weeks old, you'd think that people have, largely speaking, forgotten about the network's ridiculous decision to bounce the top two candidates in favor of the "winner," Aaron McCargo Jr.
If that's what you'd think, then you'd be wrong.
People are still tweaked over this fiasco, and the shit keeps hitting the fan. The noise has been brung in the comments of a variety of blogs, including SideDish and several others. The problem, as per usual, is that race is, apparently, a factor. For me, I think Aaron was the least qualified of the three finalists, but there are plenty of people -- on both sides of the fence -- who claim race either is directly responsible for the network's choice or that it has nothing to do with it, which means it has everything to do with it. Put another way, people who claim that race is a major factor why Aaron won are being taken to task for being racist by people who think that race has nothing whatsoever to do with Aaron having been chosen.
Me -- I think it's partially responsible. Despite "racial profiling" being a no-no on clipboards belonging to state troopers, marketing departments regularly go after ethnic markets, whether they are latino, african-american or even eastern european. Judging by the direction the Food Network has been going, it wouldn't shock me if Aaron was chosen in part to cull African-American viewers. And frankly, anyone who doesn't admit to seeing this trend in part is either blind or willfully ignoring the obvious.
But I digress.
The newest news -- at least newest to me, anyway -- is that after the furious uproar over Aaron's "victory," it was leaked that Adam apparently will be getting his own show on the network after all. Apparently his show will be called "Will Work for Food" and he'll be put in all sorts of food industry-related positions, in theory playing off his quasi-pathetic admission during The Next Food Network Star competition that since he and his brother lost their restaurant, the shot at Food Network stardom was basically it for him.
Of course, while this upcoming show -- about which I was advised by my other half, Kaia -- is a step in the right direction (ie righting the monumental screw-up perpetrated by NFNS two Sundays ago) -- what bothers me is this show looks, sounds and smells a lot like another Food Network show called Glutton for Punishment with Bob Blumer. What really is interesting, of course, is that link brings you to a page showing Bobby B. prepping an Adam Gertler specialty: beer can chicken.
Wow...
While we're on the topic of the Food Network cannibalizing itself, I've concurred with a number of observations suggesting their new show "Ask Aida" seems very similar to the concept Adam offered up in his NFNS demo. The former is a show asking people to send mail, e-mail, text messages or faxes to "Aida" asking for help cooking a recipe or perfecting a technique, whereas Adam's concept was to have a viewer connected via webcam to Adam in his kitchen during his broadcasts. To me, the concepts are pretty much mirror images of one another. The chicken, the egg...doesn't really matter which came first, it just seems like Adam authored the idea and the Food Network -- clearly coming up short in the creativity department -- jumped on it.
Speaking of Food Network cannibalism, I've heard from a number of people both herein and elsewhere that Ted Allen (formerly of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy and current Iron Chef America Judge Emeritus) starring in a new show called Food Detectives on, you guessed it, the Food Network, is a thorough rip-off of Alton Brown's Good Eats.
Let me just put this out there: whether or not you like cooking and care about what you're putting in your body, if you don't enjoy watching Good Eats then there's something wrong with you. Mr. Brown combines funny, facts and cooking -- in an unabashed, self-deprecating, geek hipster dufus style -- in a tight, always-entertaining 30-minute package. Not only is his show one of the best on the Food Network, it's by far one of the best shows on TV.
So why would the Food Network tamper with it by copying it with "Food Detectives" or anything else?
Well, the concept is that if something works, you go with it; therefore, rather than try and come up with something new -- clearly something which the Food Network has consistently failed in their attempts thereat -- but they figure that Ted Allen, who is very knowledgeable about food and also very personable, might be a good second to Alton Brown, who has been stretched thin with his appearances on other shows and Food Network-related appearances on and off TV.
The problem is, by doing this -- basically ripping off shows (whether said shows being ripped off are successful or not) is a shitty way to run a network. Granted, it's worked for Law and Order and CSI -- those franchises are running so frequently on so many different networks it's hard to keep track of which ones are current and which ones are repeats. However, I'm not alone in believing the rip-offs are a sign that the creative minds at the Food Network are in decline -- if they are still employed at the Network at all -- and by copying their own shows with different names and sets, it's a bit insulting to the viewer. No offense to Ted Allen -- but Alton Brown is one of the greatest people on television these days. Why would anyone want to watch a show that seemingly rips off his show?
The answer is: no one wants to watch that show.
It amazes me that the powers that be at the Food Network seem to be the only ones who simply and absolutely fail to get it.
They fucked up The Next Food Network Star -- on several levels (not just in choosing the least-qualified candidate but by -- oopsy -- announcing the winner online three DAYS before the finale aired);
They are copying their own shows with little or no creative tweaking, resulting in carbon-copies which split, confuse and/or irritate viewers rather than bringing in more;
And finally, they are dismissing and/or losing quality people: Mario Batali is following Emeril out the door (and of course, their ability to alienate a food-related superstar in Anthony Bourdain is amazing in its stupidity). I have nothing against Bobby Flay; he seems like a decent guy. It's just that of the 12 or so people on the network, Bobby Flay is one of the few people who is actually cooking -- and teaching viewers how to do so -- on his shows.
Um...speaking of which, Bobby Flay comprises more than half the network's broadcast (this past Saturday night, Bobby Flay shows were broadcast from 8PM to 4AM). WTF?
What really bothers me is that I'm not some sort of investigative genius, uncorking some conspiracy like Woodward and Bernstein. A huge number of people are seeing the same inconsistencies I'm seeing, and they're asking the same questions.
What's worse? Knowing that all these significant mistakes are pervasive and obvious, or knowing that as they build exponentially, the network could, in theory, disappear?
There's one question whose answer still evades me.
If that's what you'd think, then you'd be wrong.
People are still tweaked over this fiasco, and the shit keeps hitting the fan. The noise has been brung in the comments of a variety of blogs, including SideDish and several others. The problem, as per usual, is that race is, apparently, a factor. For me, I think Aaron was the least qualified of the three finalists, but there are plenty of people -- on both sides of the fence -- who claim race either is directly responsible for the network's choice or that it has nothing to do with it, which means it has everything to do with it. Put another way, people who claim that race is a major factor why Aaron won are being taken to task for being racist by people who think that race has nothing whatsoever to do with Aaron having been chosen.
Me -- I think it's partially responsible. Despite "racial profiling" being a no-no on clipboards belonging to state troopers, marketing departments regularly go after ethnic markets, whether they are latino, african-american or even eastern european. Judging by the direction the Food Network has been going, it wouldn't shock me if Aaron was chosen in part to cull African-American viewers. And frankly, anyone who doesn't admit to seeing this trend in part is either blind or willfully ignoring the obvious.
But I digress.
The newest news -- at least newest to me, anyway -- is that after the furious uproar over Aaron's "victory," it was leaked that Adam apparently will be getting his own show on the network after all. Apparently his show will be called "Will Work for Food" and he'll be put in all sorts of food industry-related positions, in theory playing off his quasi-pathetic admission during The Next Food Network Star competition that since he and his brother lost their restaurant, the shot at Food Network stardom was basically it for him.
Of course, while this upcoming show -- about which I was advised by my other half, Kaia -- is a step in the right direction (ie righting the monumental screw-up perpetrated by NFNS two Sundays ago) -- what bothers me is this show looks, sounds and smells a lot like another Food Network show called Glutton for Punishment with Bob Blumer. What really is interesting, of course, is that link brings you to a page showing Bobby B. prepping an Adam Gertler specialty: beer can chicken.
Wow...
While we're on the topic of the Food Network cannibalizing itself, I've concurred with a number of observations suggesting their new show "Ask Aida" seems very similar to the concept Adam offered up in his NFNS demo. The former is a show asking people to send mail, e-mail, text messages or faxes to "Aida" asking for help cooking a recipe or perfecting a technique, whereas Adam's concept was to have a viewer connected via webcam to Adam in his kitchen during his broadcasts. To me, the concepts are pretty much mirror images of one another. The chicken, the egg...doesn't really matter which came first, it just seems like Adam authored the idea and the Food Network -- clearly coming up short in the creativity department -- jumped on it.
Speaking of Food Network cannibalism, I've heard from a number of people both herein and elsewhere that Ted Allen (formerly of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy and current Iron Chef America Judge Emeritus) starring in a new show called Food Detectives on, you guessed it, the Food Network, is a thorough rip-off of Alton Brown's Good Eats.
Let me just put this out there: whether or not you like cooking and care about what you're putting in your body, if you don't enjoy watching Good Eats then there's something wrong with you. Mr. Brown combines funny, facts and cooking -- in an unabashed, self-deprecating, geek hipster dufus style -- in a tight, always-entertaining 30-minute package. Not only is his show one of the best on the Food Network, it's by far one of the best shows on TV.
So why would the Food Network tamper with it by copying it with "Food Detectives" or anything else?
Well, the concept is that if something works, you go with it; therefore, rather than try and come up with something new -- clearly something which the Food Network has consistently failed in their attempts thereat -- but they figure that Ted Allen, who is very knowledgeable about food and also very personable, might be a good second to Alton Brown, who has been stretched thin with his appearances on other shows and Food Network-related appearances on and off TV.
The problem is, by doing this -- basically ripping off shows (whether said shows being ripped off are successful or not) is a shitty way to run a network. Granted, it's worked for Law and Order and CSI -- those franchises are running so frequently on so many different networks it's hard to keep track of which ones are current and which ones are repeats. However, I'm not alone in believing the rip-offs are a sign that the creative minds at the Food Network are in decline -- if they are still employed at the Network at all -- and by copying their own shows with different names and sets, it's a bit insulting to the viewer. No offense to Ted Allen -- but Alton Brown is one of the greatest people on television these days. Why would anyone want to watch a show that seemingly rips off his show?
The answer is: no one wants to watch that show.
It amazes me that the powers that be at the Food Network seem to be the only ones who simply and absolutely fail to get it.
They fucked up The Next Food Network Star -- on several levels (not just in choosing the least-qualified candidate but by -- oopsy -- announcing the winner online three DAYS before the finale aired);
They are copying their own shows with little or no creative tweaking, resulting in carbon-copies which split, confuse and/or irritate viewers rather than bringing in more;
And finally, they are dismissing and/or losing quality people: Mario Batali is following Emeril out the door (and of course, their ability to alienate a food-related superstar in Anthony Bourdain is amazing in its stupidity). I have nothing against Bobby Flay; he seems like a decent guy. It's just that of the 12 or so people on the network, Bobby Flay is one of the few people who is actually cooking -- and teaching viewers how to do so -- on his shows.
Um...speaking of which, Bobby Flay comprises more than half the network's broadcast (this past Saturday night, Bobby Flay shows were broadcast from 8PM to 4AM). WTF?
What really bothers me is that I'm not some sort of investigative genius, uncorking some conspiracy like Woodward and Bernstein. A huge number of people are seeing the same inconsistencies I'm seeing, and they're asking the same questions.
What's worse? Knowing that all these significant mistakes are pervasive and obvious, or knowing that as they build exponentially, the network could, in theory, disappear?
There's one question whose answer still evades me.
Monday, August 04, 2008
I Care So Little I'm Gonna Write A Shitload About It
Being that I'm a purveyor of useless, irritating opinion and/or information -- and not just through these pages -- I can't help but advise the reader that the "Brett Favre" saga appears to have taken a major shift.
I apologize to those of you who neither know nor care who Brett Favre is -- even if the name does seem distantly familiar (if you saw "There's Something About Mary" you may recall Mr. Favre's name). However, while I was tempted to title this post something akin to "Who Gives A Flying Shit?" I did not miss the hypocrisy of writing about something that is so meaningless. Yet, that is exactly the point that brought me to address it herein.
The essence of the situation, as it stands, is Mr. Favre, who after this season reluctantly and emotionally retired from football after 16 seasons playing for the Green Bay Packers, opted to return to football less than six months after he called it a career. However, the Packers, who had already planned on being without Mr. Favre, had anointed his backup, Aaron Rodgers, as the starter. When Mr. Favre indicated his intent to return to football, and to the Packers, with whom his contract was still in effect through 2010, the Packers balked and advised him to stay retired and that they had already decided to move forward with Mr. Rodgers (I know, it's funny) at the helm. Thus a stalemate was born.
Mr. Favre persevered, and instead of taking their advice, he privately and publicly went on the offensive; to the former, he contacted the Packers front office -- specifically, Green Bay Packers president Mark Murphy, general manager Ted Thompson and head coach Mike McCarthy. To the latter, he had his friend, Greta Van Sustern, interview him on CNN in connection with the stalemate.
So instead of this situation being handled with the appropriate dignity and insignificance befitting a dispute between a football player and a football franchise -- in the middle of Wisconsin, natch -- this has become national news. Today, after some involvement from NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, Mr. Favre will be returning to the Green Bay Packers training camp and will be given -- ostensibly, anyway -- the chance to compete for the starting QB role.
(Exhale).
Now that the entire situation has been summed up, it's fairly clear that this entire mess is a complete joke.
Essentially, after a lot of posturing, bullshit, whining, finger-pointing and very (unnecessary) politicking, everything looks like it will, likely, fall back into the place in Green Bay, Wisconsin.
Goody.
The same bullshit, round-robin crapfest that defined the Yankees and Alex Rodriguez during this past off-season and Mr. Favre's campaign trail compassion-seeking mission happens all over the sports map. To wit, Pete Rose has spent the last 15 years trying to get someone -- anyone -- to listen to why this ex-baseball great and current dirtbag should be in the Baseball Hall of Fame. The thing is, inasmuch as there are people who really care about Brett Favre, Alex Rodriguez or Pete Rose -- or all of them -- do we need daily doses -- sometimes multiple doses per day -- of said athlete's current situation? Did we need an ESPN-sponsored press conference telling us all of what was pretty clear for even the casual observer? More importantly, do we need Greta Van Sustern's involvement in a matter that was so over-reported that many of us who cared -- at all -- were nauseated by the third day of the constant 24-hour watch.
Ridiculous.
I understand that ESPN tries to take itself seriously. And as much as I enjoy ESPN, with every "Boo-Yah!" the network reminds us that, like network news, all the horseshit that spews forth between commercials is about entertainment. If you want information, hit the internet. If you want to debate whether Katie Couric or Dan Rather or Walter Cronkie or Tom Brokaw or Brian Williams is the best newscaster, let me know so I can leave the room. It's the medium that's the problem; is there such a dearth of actual news that CNN felt it appropriate to broadcast an interview with a waffling, aging veteran who can't make up his mind and appears, instead, to be a petulant, selfish baby?
Well, after all these words and the last two weeks of "news," I'd like to formally advise Mr. Favre, ESPN, CNN and the entire fan base of the Green Bay Packers that most, if not all, people don't give a shit. They have a growing distaste for masturbatory, overly anal news that is neither interesting nor newsworthy. They are weary of the medium -- whether it is a news broadcast, a newspaper, or a website -- filling itself with fluff, stupidity and artificially-inseminated opinion.
Granted, this site is typically guilty of much, if not all, of the things listed above.
But I digress.
The point of this extended diatribe is -- in all seriousness -- perhaps as guilty of over-indulgence as the target thereof. Therein lies the rub. How can one effectively -- without hypocritical irony -- demonstrate that wasting our time on news we care nothing about is an irritation that should be discontinued? Being silent in response to this practice seems less than effective.
So, instead of an extended yawn-fest like this, perhaps I should just include an open letter:
Dear Mr. Favre:
Get a life, you dumb-ass hick. Quit jerking off an entire football organization, quit putting yourself before the team for which you claim to have so much respect, and get started farming rudebagas, rhubarb and whatever else they grow in Mississippi. And stay out of the news already.
Geez.
Thank you.
Your friend, Boogie P. Booginacious, III
I apologize to those of you who neither know nor care who Brett Favre is -- even if the name does seem distantly familiar (if you saw "There's Something About Mary" you may recall Mr. Favre's name). However, while I was tempted to title this post something akin to "Who Gives A Flying Shit?" I did not miss the hypocrisy of writing about something that is so meaningless. Yet, that is exactly the point that brought me to address it herein.
The essence of the situation, as it stands, is Mr. Favre, who after this season reluctantly and emotionally retired from football after 16 seasons playing for the Green Bay Packers, opted to return to football less than six months after he called it a career. However, the Packers, who had already planned on being without Mr. Favre, had anointed his backup, Aaron Rodgers, as the starter. When Mr. Favre indicated his intent to return to football, and to the Packers, with whom his contract was still in effect through 2010, the Packers balked and advised him to stay retired and that they had already decided to move forward with Mr. Rodgers (I know, it's funny) at the helm. Thus a stalemate was born.
Mr. Favre persevered, and instead of taking their advice, he privately and publicly went on the offensive; to the former, he contacted the Packers front office -- specifically, Green Bay Packers president Mark Murphy, general manager Ted Thompson and head coach Mike McCarthy. To the latter, he had his friend, Greta Van Sustern, interview him on CNN in connection with the stalemate.
So instead of this situation being handled with the appropriate dignity and insignificance befitting a dispute between a football player and a football franchise -- in the middle of Wisconsin, natch -- this has become national news. Today, after some involvement from NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, Mr. Favre will be returning to the Green Bay Packers training camp and will be given -- ostensibly, anyway -- the chance to compete for the starting QB role.
(Exhale).
Now that the entire situation has been summed up, it's fairly clear that this entire mess is a complete joke.
Essentially, after a lot of posturing, bullshit, whining, finger-pointing and very (unnecessary) politicking, everything looks like it will, likely, fall back into the place in Green Bay, Wisconsin.
Goody.
The same bullshit, round-robin crapfest that defined the Yankees and Alex Rodriguez during this past off-season and Mr. Favre's campaign trail compassion-seeking mission happens all over the sports map. To wit, Pete Rose has spent the last 15 years trying to get someone -- anyone -- to listen to why this ex-baseball great and current dirtbag should be in the Baseball Hall of Fame. The thing is, inasmuch as there are people who really care about Brett Favre, Alex Rodriguez or Pete Rose -- or all of them -- do we need daily doses -- sometimes multiple doses per day -- of said athlete's current situation? Did we need an ESPN-sponsored press conference telling us all of what was pretty clear for even the casual observer? More importantly, do we need Greta Van Sustern's involvement in a matter that was so over-reported that many of us who cared -- at all -- were nauseated by the third day of the constant 24-hour watch.
Ridiculous.
I understand that ESPN tries to take itself seriously. And as much as I enjoy ESPN, with every "Boo-Yah!" the network reminds us that, like network news, all the horseshit that spews forth between commercials is about entertainment. If you want information, hit the internet. If you want to debate whether Katie Couric or Dan Rather or Walter Cronkie or Tom Brokaw or Brian Williams is the best newscaster, let me know so I can leave the room. It's the medium that's the problem; is there such a dearth of actual news that CNN felt it appropriate to broadcast an interview with a waffling, aging veteran who can't make up his mind and appears, instead, to be a petulant, selfish baby?
Well, after all these words and the last two weeks of "news," I'd like to formally advise Mr. Favre, ESPN, CNN and the entire fan base of the Green Bay Packers that most, if not all, people don't give a shit. They have a growing distaste for masturbatory, overly anal news that is neither interesting nor newsworthy. They are weary of the medium -- whether it is a news broadcast, a newspaper, or a website -- filling itself with fluff, stupidity and artificially-inseminated opinion.
Granted, this site is typically guilty of much, if not all, of the things listed above.
But I digress.
The point of this extended diatribe is -- in all seriousness -- perhaps as guilty of over-indulgence as the target thereof. Therein lies the rub. How can one effectively -- without hypocritical irony -- demonstrate that wasting our time on news we care nothing about is an irritation that should be discontinued? Being silent in response to this practice seems less than effective.
So, instead of an extended yawn-fest like this, perhaps I should just include an open letter:
Dear Mr. Favre:
Get a life, you dumb-ass hick. Quit jerking off an entire football organization, quit putting yourself before the team for which you claim to have so much respect, and get started farming rudebagas, rhubarb and whatever else they grow in Mississippi. And stay out of the news already.
Geez.
Thank you.
Your friend, Boogie P. Booginacious, III
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
