I Care So Little I'm Gonna Write A Shitload About It

Being that I'm a purveyor of useless, irritating opinion and/or information -- and not just through these pages -- I can't help but advise the reader that the "Brett Favre" saga appears to have taken a major shift.

I apologize to those of you who neither know nor care who Brett Favre is -- even if the name does seem distantly familiar (if you saw "There's Something About Mary" you may recall Mr. Favre's name). However, while I was tempted to title this post something akin to "Who Gives A Flying Shit?" I did not miss the hypocrisy of writing about something that is so meaningless. Yet, that is exactly the point that brought me to address it herein.

The essence of the situation, as it stands, is Mr. Favre, who after this season reluctantly and emotionally retired from football after 16 seasons playing for the Green Bay Packers, opted to return to football less than six months after he called it a career. However, the Packers, who had already planned on being without Mr. Favre, had anointed his backup, Aaron Rodgers, as the starter. When Mr. Favre indicated his intent to return to football, and to the Packers, with whom his contract was still in effect through 2010, the Packers balked and advised him to stay retired and that they had already decided to move forward with Mr. Rodgers (I know, it's funny) at the helm. Thus a stalemate was born.

Mr. Favre persevered, and instead of taking their advice, he privately and publicly went on the offensive; to the former, he contacted the Packers front office -- specifically, Green Bay Packers president Mark Murphy, general manager Ted Thompson and head coach Mike McCarthy. To the latter, he had his friend, Greta Van Sustern, interview him on CNN in connection with the stalemate.

So instead of this situation being handled with the appropriate dignity and insignificance befitting a dispute between a football player and a football franchise -- in the middle of Wisconsin, natch -- this has become national news. Today, after some involvement from NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, Mr. Favre will be returning to the Green Bay Packers training camp and will be given -- ostensibly, anyway -- the chance to compete for the starting QB role.

(Exhale).

Now that the entire situation has been summed up, it's fairly clear that this entire mess is a complete joke.

Essentially, after a lot of posturing, bullshit, whining, finger-pointing and very (unnecessary) politicking, everything looks like it will, likely, fall back into the place in Green Bay, Wisconsin.

Goody.

The same bullshit, round-robin crapfest that defined the Yankees and Alex Rodriguez during this past off-season and Mr. Favre's campaign trail compassion-seeking mission happens all over the sports map. To wit, Pete Rose has spent the last 15 years trying to get someone -- anyone -- to listen to why this ex-baseball great and current dirtbag should be in the Baseball Hall of Fame. The thing is, inasmuch as there are people who really care about Brett Favre, Alex Rodriguez or Pete Rose -- or all of them -- do we need daily doses -- sometimes multiple doses per day -- of said athlete's current situation? Did we need an ESPN-sponsored press conference telling us all of what was pretty clear for even the casual observer? More importantly, do we need Greta Van Sustern's involvement in a matter that was so over-reported that many of us who cared -- at all -- were nauseated by the third day of the constant 24-hour watch.

Ridiculous.

I understand that ESPN tries to take itself seriously. And as much as I enjoy ESPN, with every "Boo-Yah!" the network reminds us that, like network news, all the horseshit that spews forth between commercials is about entertainment. If you want information, hit the internet. If you want to debate whether Katie Couric or Dan Rather or Walter Cronkie or Tom Brokaw or Brian Williams is the best newscaster, let me know so I can leave the room. It's the medium that's the problem; is there such a dearth of actual news that CNN felt it appropriate to broadcast an interview with a waffling, aging veteran who can't make up his mind and appears, instead, to be a petulant, selfish baby?

Well, after all these words and the last two weeks of "news," I'd like to formally advise Mr. Favre, ESPN, CNN and the entire fan base of the Green Bay Packers that most, if not all, people don't give a shit. They have a growing distaste for masturbatory, overly anal news that is neither interesting nor newsworthy. They are weary of the medium -- whether it is a news broadcast, a newspaper, or a website -- filling itself with fluff, stupidity and artificially-inseminated opinion.

Granted, this site is typically guilty of much, if not all, of the things listed above.

But I digress.

The point of this extended diatribe is -- in all seriousness -- perhaps as guilty of over-indulgence as the target thereof. Therein lies the rub. How can one effectively -- without hypocritical irony -- demonstrate that wasting our time on news we care nothing about is an irritation that should be discontinued? Being silent in response to this practice seems less than effective.

So, instead of an extended yawn-fest like this, perhaps I should just include an open letter:

Dear Mr. Favre:

Get a life, you dumb-ass hick. Quit jerking off an entire football organization, quit putting yourself before the team for which you claim to have so much respect, and get started farming rudebagas, rhubarb and whatever else they grow in Mississippi. And stay out of the news already.

Geez.

Thank you.

Your friend, Boogie P. Booginacious, III