Sometimes, despite all manner of things happening in and around my day-to-day activities, there's not much impetus to actually commit anything to this space. It's not a lack of motivation, nor is it a result of an otherwise unexciting span of days, nor is it plain ol' apathy.
I think, on some level, it's the return -- or the evaporation -- of normalcy in the wake of Kaia's return to Cali that leaves me, each and every time, with some degree of melancholy. Coupled with the weather and the impending crunch of a heavy workload, plus the exit of the holiday season, and thus -- nothing there worth noting.
There are bright spots, of course -- seeing a Gwen Stefani-esque woman during the Saints-Eagles game (nationally broadcast by Fox) sporting a "Fuck Da Eagles" belly shirt; that was a high point. Another was surviving the last few days of cold, rainy weather that suddenly permeated the otherwise meandering temperatures of NYC's winter thus far. And yet another was a random jaunt to Eli's just because it reminded me of Kaia's presence.
It occurred to me that this past weekend was the first since December that Kaia wasn't here; now while I might sound a tad depressed, it's not a clinical problem that has me out on a ledge, pondering the worth of my life and my future. On the contrary; I am actually pretty happy, despite Kaia not being here (physically, anyway). It's just seems that every time we get into a groove and settle into enjoying everyday life -- waking up together, falling asleep together, being able to share whispered conversation without having to switch phones -- she or I have to catch a flight. Beyond bittersweet, it's a bit frustrating knowing that -- for now -- when we're together, we're "on the clock" rather than able to enjoy being with one another without schedules, timelines or the rush to do things in advance of our eventual parting.
Inasmuch as I am thankful on a number of levels that I finally found my other half, and knowing, based on our plans and our future together, that this situation is a temporary one that is soon going to change for the better, it's still a kick in the ass. There are plenty of people who don't share their lives with someone for whom they have love and respect, so if my rumination appears headed toward some sort of self-pity or complaining, that's far from accurate. It's really knowing how great we are together, and how happy we make one another, and wondering why either of us would willingly go without for even a day. Of course, the key is "willing" -- reality, as of this moment, dictates we're still in the planning phase, though that is definitely near its conclusion. I suppose, if one day I'll look back on this period of my life I'll regard this as a "learning" period, one in which I learned to appreciate everything that is in my life as much as everything that is no longer in my life.
My family is doing well and everyone is healthy; many, if not all, of my friends -- both near and far -- are doing well, moving forward and happy within their respective existences; our next mongo party, scheduled for late March, is solidifying faster than Krazy Glue fresh from the tube; and we're already planning our next rendezvous, most likely next month in San Fran. But it still stinks to have to go back to a three-hour, three-thousand-mile disparity that reminds us how great we are together, even when we're physically far apart.
I think, what it comes down to, is that when you're with the wrong person, you think in terms of generalities with respect to the future: where you'll live, what you'll be doing, the types of people with whom you'll associate, etc. When you're with the right person, and when there's no debate about that, there's no need for generality or a focus on the future. The future is discussed with the knowledge that everything will come together; not as a result of some sort of fairy-tale "love conquers all" motif, but instead as a result of knowing your other half is going to be there with you for the rest of her life, and that prospect is something that not only doesn't frighten or worry you, but entices you to run to that "for the rest of eternity" at top speed. You think things out in your head, you debate the little details all the way up to the big ones, and approach it full-boar once you are convinced. The only real question is when, so until we figure out the answer to that one, we'll be left knowing that we're lucky to have found one another, and accept that things could be better, but confident, and satisfied, knowing that things for each of us could be far, far worse.