Dancing On Puppet-Strings

There are times, for all of us, I think, when we go through the motions as if we're directed by some higher power. That isn't meant to invoke some sort of Calvinistic Predestination or some verification or support for Manifest Destiny; it's more the fallout from the fact that I've been sick for the past week and a half and it feels like I'm basically a product tester for Kleenex.

I'm not sure how or where this all started; last Tuesday, the day Kaia was due to leave, saw me wake up around normal, feeling completely shitty. I had planned, originally, to take the day off, but because I had work piling up I figured I'd go into the office to address what I needed to handle, especially considering Friday was a filing deadline, and then leave a few hours early to see her off to the airport. Ah, plans have a way of manifesting themselves like the contents of a baby's diaper.

It turned out I wound up in bed for the entire day, only getting up to use the bathroom and to wave to her as she taxiied to the airport. Since that day, I've been feeling shitty -- cold, sneezing, headache, the cold sweats, breathing issues, the whole nine -- and while I always feel a sense of "loss" when she goes back to San Fran, this last week or so has been, obviously, far different. I've been barely able, at times, to even get out of bed, and what's worse, between the cold or the bronchitis I've endured thus far, I've had work piling up that I've tried to address, to little or no avail.

With e-mail, cell phones and voicemail, not being in the office, on and off, for the past week or so isn't a death sentence for a small business; that's the good news. I've kept up with all my clients and addressed things from my desk at home, but I haven't been able to maintain the type of focus I need with regularity. The bad news is that my dad has the same coughing and overall shitty sickness that I've been fighting. On top of that, Kaia's got it too -- and hopefully the three of us are starting to come out of it now.

I've gone into the office here and there, and I've gotten a lot done, all things considered. But it's a very bizarre feeling; it's like Life Light. I'm doing work, but it's just a matter of leap-frogging from one matter to another, rather than taking a real, active role in each of the matters I'm handling. So it's almost like, with work the last week or so, I'm on a mental treadmill and just going through the motions, solving problems and handling things that pop up like gophers on the arcade slam-it board. And what's more strange is that when I'm not at or concentrating on work, I'm basically moving from the bed to the couch to the shower back to the bed. It's sort of like being a prisoner to mortality. And with the upcoming Jewish New Year, I've been getting piles of e-mails wishing my family and I well, and I have next to no energy to even send a shout-out to my friends and family near and far to check in and say howdy. Again, it feels like I'm just going through the motions; it feels like I was pulled over by a cop and am watching the world speed by on a six-lane highway as I wait for Joey Bag O'Doughnuts to check my papers out on his in-car radio while I wait and watch the rest of the world go by.

At any rate, without degenerating into a self-pity pose, which was and is not my intent herein, I wanted to let people know where I've been and where I'm at. Being MIA for one reason or another is understandable, but even if I don't apologize, I wanted to make sure people knew where I was coming from (or where I've been). So if you celebrate the Jewish New Year, I wish you and your family and friends a happy new year. If you've come here in search of wit, acerbic sarcasm and biting social commentary, well, you'll just have to keep waiting. And if you wanted to know why I've been so quiet over the last week or so, there 'tis.

For everyone that has checked in one level or another, I sincerely appreciate the concern and the good wishes; even without individual thank-yous, you know who you are and I apologize for the lack of more personal acknowledgement. But the fact is that I am continually getting better, and your sentiments and good wishes have absolutely helped. I'll soon reconnect with most of you, just as soon as I manage an entire night's sleep without waking up to take medicine, drink tea or a half-liter of Fiji water, and hopefully, this episode will be one for the permanent archives never to be rerun.

For me, personally, I'm hoping my father continues feeling better, and I am hoping Kaia continues improving as well. I'm not too worried about myself; I've endured worse, so this -- while being as sick as I have been in awhile -- is just a hellish reminder of what I've gone through. It'll pass. I guess I'm just looking forward to moving past this, finally, and getting back to actively participating in my own life.

Either way, I'd like to again wish everyone a happy, healthy, safe New Year, and thank you for your good wishes.